Jokes

**ijhtio** · 06-13-2008, 05:13 PM

Many jokes will be posted here on regular basis:

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

**ijhtio** · 06-13-2008, 05:57 PM

Common Sense - An obituary

Common Sense - An Obituary by London Times

An Obituary printed in the London Times....... . Interesting and sadly rather true.

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion. his daughter Responsibility, his son Reason.

He is survived by his 4 step brothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

**ijhtio** · 06-13-2008, 06:00 PM

The Legal and Logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

**ijhtio** · 06-13-2008, 06:05 PM

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly…

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet…

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it…

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick…

06-13-2008, 05:13 PM	#1
ijhtio User Info Join Date: May 2007 Location: Bang Bang Bang! Achievements Posts: 3,450 Casino Cash: $2222321 Total Points: 2,814,637.78 Donate Reputation: 74823 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1	Jokes Many jokes will be posted here on regular basis: A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..." ...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"
	PM me if you need any support. Are you posting just "Thanks". Read This! NFO Competetion - Chance to Win 1 Month RS Account

06-13-2008, 05:57 PM	#2
ijhtio User Info Join Date: May 2007 Location: Bang Bang Bang! Achievements Posts: 3,450 Casino Cash: $2222321 Total Points: 2,814,637.78 Donate Reputation: 74823 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1	Common Sense - An obituary Common Sense - An Obituary by London Times An Obituary printed in the London Times....... . Interesting and sadly rather true. 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion. his daughter Responsibility, his son Reason. He is survived by his 4 step brothers; I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
	PM me if you need any support. Are you posting just "Thanks". Read This! NFO Competetion - Chance to Win 1 Month RS Account

06-13-2008, 06:00 PM	#3
ijhtio User Info Join Date: May 2007 Location: Bang Bang Bang! Achievements Posts: 3,450 Casino Cash: $2222321 Total Points: 2,814,637.78 Donate Reputation: 74823 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1	The Legal and Logical After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
	PM me if you need any support. Are you posting just "Thanks". Read This! NFO Competetion - Chance to Win 1 Month RS Account

06-13-2008, 06:05 PM	#4
ijhtio User Info Join Date: May 2007 Location: Bang Bang Bang! Achievements Posts: 3,450 Casino Cash: $2222321 Total Points: 2,814,637.78 Donate Reputation: 74823 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 1	THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time) Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly… Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet… Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it… Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick…
	PM me if you need any support. Are you posting just "Thanks". Read This! NFO Competetion - Chance to Win 1 Month RS Account

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