Ok guys im here and im starting a very own jokes thread where i will post as many jokes as i can for the entertainment of you all!!!

Enjoy darlings, may god bless you!!!!

Peace Talks...
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing. A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Stop this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter... "What Baghdad?"

BILL "PEARLY" GATES
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replied, "well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

HOW DO THEY MANAGE?
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they get their ladders and tape measures and go out to the flagpole. Attempting to measure this flagpole was turning out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined; what with them falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures and so on, the whole thing had just turned into a total mess.
After a while, an engineer happens along and sees what they are attempting to do. She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, and lays it flat on the ground. She measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away without saying a word.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs as he's shaking his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"

HEIGHTS !!!

HEIGHT OF REPETITION : You forwarding a mail to someone and receiving the same mail forwarded from him to you.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION : Two persons sitting side by side using mails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDNESS : Two persons fighting through mails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS : You receiving no mails for a week.
HEIGHT OF IDLENESS : A person using mailtool all the time.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION : The mail server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS : Writing a intimate one and doing a reply all.
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT : A person sending the mail to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS : A person sending a mail to himself.

Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bible away. Our prayers have been answered!"

PRESIDENTIAL ASSETS
The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it goes from mouth to mouth.

My favourite!!!!!!!

The Little Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

The Corporate Ladder
* When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
* When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis.
* Wen Top management are in meetings, they discusses golf.
CONCLUSION : The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!