Software can do Funny Things !!
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

PUZZLED PARROT
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

Zipper!!!
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.
"Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

Marriage , really that BAD ?


Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one women said to another, " Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then He is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the women gets her mater's.

A little boy ask his father, " Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" and the father replied, " I don't know, son, I still paying for it."

Then there was a man who said, " I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why ?

Married lift is very frustrating.
In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the women listens.
In the 2nd year of marriage, the women speaks and the man listens.
In the 3rd year of marriage, the both speaks, and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,he still ends with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ed' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend, " It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
" And what was he before you married him ?" Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

AND THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!

When a man opens the door of this car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife!!!!!!


Thanks and regards,
A Married Man

If you were part of the Y2K fever!!!!!!!!!



Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner He told them: "I invited you here because I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:
"I have Good news and Bad News:
1. The good news is: God really does exist.
2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:
"I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I am one of three most important people on earth.
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."

The programmers will love this!!!!!!!!!!

Gender & Computers


A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.


The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Now, you decide what to call a Computer...

KISSING THE MIRROR
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the "Toilet" and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Toad Princess

A computer programmer comes across a toad in the road.

The toad pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his sholders and puts the toad in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the toad says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a month..."

The programmer takes out the toad, nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minuets later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll marry you and will live with you for the rest of my life..." The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the toad says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you that I will be your wife, I can give you all the love you want, why don't you kiss me ?"

"Look, he replies, "I'm a computer programmer... I don't have any time for a girlfriend or wife... But a talking toad... Man ! That's cool..."

THIS TOO IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES!!!!!!
IM SURE YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE--

Despair!!
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."